girlfriend recycling™

Q: What is girlfriend recycling?

A: GirlfriendRecycling.com is a social project, a silly prank meant to defy political correctness and ultimately test the limits of our sense of humor.

Just kidding…

Recycling means that even though you broke up with a girl, you don’t think she’s a bad person. It means you hope that after a little bit of refurbishing here and there she could be reused. After all, there may be nothing wrong with the hardware, it’s just the software that needs a bit of work. Recycling may help her get the point.

Q: Who is behind this silly idea?

A: We are a group of concerned citizens who believe Greenpeace simply isn’t going far enough.

Q: How does girlfriend recycling work?

A: Anybody who wants to recycle a girlfriend needs to register and pay $1. No information about the girlfriend can ever be included, not even the name! Instead, time-stamped degrees such as Bachelor of Arts in Girlfriend Recycling will be issued for a specific "girlfriend number", which will be imprinted on the upper-right corner of the diploma. The name on the diploma will (optionally) appear on GirlfriendRecycling.com’s alumni page, and a link to the page containing the diploma will be included and archived. Diplomas will be stored online for as long as GirlfriendRecycling.com is operational, and can be viewed and printed as often as needed.

Q: A Bachelor’s degree for just one dollar?

A: You’re right, it’s damn cheap, and it will stay that way! An affordable education will go a long way towards raising a new generation that understands better the impact we have on the environment.

Q: Your logo is so cool! Do you have a medium-resolution version?

A: Sure, here it is. Click on it for the 800x800 version.

Q: Why would you want to recycle your girlfriend anyway?

A: Because you can. Because it’s sick fun. Because it may be the best thing to do for your mental health anyway, and maybe at some point health insurance companies will take notice of your recycling history and give you a better rate or something.

Q: Can’t I just donate my girlfriend to charity?

A: Sure you can. Charity is not directly related to our environmentalist agenda, but we do recognize that the humanitarian aspect, combined with the financial benefits of potentially significant tax deductions, may cause quite a dilemma. Should you donate? Should you recycle? Tough choice.

Like any academic endeavor, a degree in Girlfriend Recycling will require a long-term commitment, and our role is to help you make sure this is really what you want. As a courtesy to those of our visitors who live busy lives and may not have the time to pursue a degree, we came up with an easy way of determining their girlfriend’s fair market value, which is what they’d be allowed to claim on their tax returns, should they decide to go the charity route.

Q: Aren’t you afraid some girls will get offended?

A: This goes to the very essence of our experiment. Of course some will! We can hear the "objectifying women" accusation coming our way already. Most of the insecure, low self-esteem women with life-long membership to the dumped-one-time-too-many secret society will be "absolutely appalled"!

Some women find it very easy to blame people like us and ideas like "girlfriend recycling" for their failure to have a meaningful relationship. The irony of it all is that such women are most likely single, and thus non-recyclable!!! GirlfriendRecycling.com is no threat to them (or to anybody for that matter), but their propensity to victimize themselves will nonetheless cause them to take offense at this idea. There’s nothing we can or would do about it, we’re here for the humor, not for the drama. Seriously.

Q: What kind of asshole would want to "recycle" his girlfriend?

A: The sad reality is that most men out there are the overly-accommodating type. They would never even entertain the idea of participating in what they’d perceive as a very high-risk prank. What if she gets angry and leaves me? How will I find another girl?

That’s OK, flowers.com caters to that market.

The men GirlfriendRecycling.com appeals to are those who understands that paying a girl compliments, taking her to dinner, buying her diamonds and other expensive gifts is the best way to admit to her that your boring personality is not enough to keep her around.

Humor, personality, imagination, and a certain level of unpredictability is what would keep a woman interested. If GirlfriendRecycling.com doesn’t make your girlfriend smile, recycle her right this minute, it will be your best spent dollar ever!

Q: So, what’s in it for the girls?

A: Nothing.

Q: No, seriously, is there anything in it for the girls?

A: Of course! We hope recycling will simplify their life, as we envision a world where they will stop asking what is a guy doing, where does he live, how much money he makes and what car he drives, and instead simply look up his girlfriend recycling history. Think about it, would a girl be interested in someone who’s never recycled a girlfriend before? Probably not. But a guy who’s been recycling a dozen a year, now that’s interesting!

Furthermore, diplomas in Girlfriend Recycling can be useful as proof that there exists at least one guy who actually bothered to date a particular girl. If challenged to prove that she’s not a total novice, she can simply point out to her ex-boyfriends’ diplomas! Of course, since diplomas do not include her name, she’ll have to come up with some properly marked digital photographs taken around the dates the diplomas were issued, but hey, nobody said it will be easy, and we’re at least doing half the work for her!

Q: Are the people behind GirlfriendRecycling.com a bunch of obnoxious, misogynist, chauvinistic pigs?

A: Being perceived that way is a risk we’re willing to take, as it would certainly make our little experiment even more interesting…

Q: How about the girls? Would they be given the opportunity to recycle their boyfriends?

A: We’re working on it (we need to co-opt some girls to spice it up - email recyclingacademy-partners@yahoo.com if you want to participate!). Keep in mind that recycling boyfriends is a double-edged sword though. A man who recycles a lot of girlfriends is a hero. A girl who recycles a lot of boyfriends will just ruin her reputation. It’s just the way society works. Get over it.

Q: Why isn’t BoyfriendRecycling.com operational yet?

A: We just want to add insult to injury.

Q: Are the people behind BoyfriendRecycling.com a bunch of man-haters?

A: Mmmm… No.

Q: Can I recycle my sister? She’s really getting on my nerves!

A: No. That’s sick.

Q: In my building we only recycle paper and plastic!

A: Sissies.

Q: Would you ever offer more than just Bachelor of Arts degrees? Will Masters and PhDs ever be introduced?

A: We’re working on it, but common sense should tell you that a lot of recycling would have to be accomplished to be worthy of such a degree. You’d better get busy! Master of Science degrees take one to 2.5 years, with PhDs at 4 to 6, sometimes even more. No reason why Girlfriend Recycling degrees should be any easier. An endorsement-based system is what we believe will ensure that only the best of the best graduate.

Q: What do I need to do to get an honorary degree?

A: You have to know people.

Q: How many days in advance should I plan when I want to recycle a girlfriend?

A: Good question. We’re glad we’re not the only ones who understand the concept of planned obsolescence. We actually suggest planning as early as the first date.

Q: Can I see a sample Bachelor of Arts diploma?

A: Of course. Click on this low-resolution image to see the high-resolution one.

Q: But anybody can claim they’re recycling a girlfriend! How do you tackle cheating?

A: In the future we will try to prevent that by supporting and encouraging endorsements. A Bachelor of Arts degree in Girlfriend Recycling can be issued without any endorsement, but graduate degrees will require that each recycling event be endorsed by at least one other person. Endorsement can be anonymous, but will only accepted from other alumni of the program.

Q: Am I Ph.D. material?

A: If you have to ask, you’re probably not. It’s one of those things where you just… know. Now that you asked, though, see how you answer the following questions, and you’ll get the general idea of what a PhD entails.

• Are you bringing your iPod with you on first dates, just in case she bores you to tears?

  Bet you’re thinking you’re lucky to get the date in the first place.

• Do you have a diverse set of offers for your girlfriends, with an intuitive upgrade path, a clear time frame, and a set of milestones to go with it?

  A good package can consist of an introductory 2-week "Basic Plan" for girls you want to sleep with, from which, upon stellar performance, they can be upgraded to a one-month "Standard Plan" that can involve some light conversation, followed by a final two-month "Premium Plan" during which you use some occasional hand-holding to buy time to look for the next "Basic Plan".

• When you see an attractive girl, what is your first thought?
  1. I’d love to put my life in her hands!
  2. She’d make a lovely ex-girlfriend…
• What do you think is the world’s most traded commodity?

• Do you think of girls as tall or long?

  Bet neither, you’re probably just looking for inner beauty…

• Have you ever used fluorescent condoms?

Q: You guys are messed up!

A: Is that a question? Sure we are. We know it, and we’re proud of it. Anything else? ;-)

Q: Is there such a thing as a non-recyclable girlfriend?

A: We do not recycle girlfriends who dress in pink. Sorry, no exceptions. What possessed you to go out with her in the first place?

Q: Can I recycle the same girlfriend twice?

A: Absolutely! We strongly encourage it. Unlike other recyclable products, girlfriends tend to get better as they’re recycled over and over. This may sound counter-intuitive at first, but is a phenomenon that is now well understood.

However, when applying for Masters and PhD degrees, multiply-recycled girlfriends will only be counted once. Diversity plays a big role in our graduate programs, and while recycling the same girlfriend again and again may help her improve, it simply won’t get you anywhere.

Q: Can I recycle somebody else’s girlfriend?

A: Only as a prank. We believe in monogamy.

Q: Can I recycle a girlfriend using SMS messages?

A: Glad you asked! We’re actually working on this as well. The idea is to allow people to prepay for recycling a certain number of girlfriends so that we eliminate the payment step for a while. We expect this to be very popular with pilots, sailors, and other men who may want to recycle a local girlfriend but are constantly on the move and don’t always have access to a computer. The diplomas will have the proper date too!

Q: You can’t recycle me! I’m so pre-tty, oh-so-pre-tty!

A: OOPS!

Q: What about forged diplomas?

A: Any genuine Girlfriend Recycling diploma will have a URL pointing to http://GirlfriendRecycling.com embedded into it. Verifying the authenticity of a diploma is simply a matter of checking the existence of that URL.

Q: What can I do if I’ve been recycled by mistake?

A: If you feel that you’ve been recycled in error, please contact your boyfriend and sort it out with him. He can simply give up his diploma. No refunds.

Q: Do you have any advice for girls?

A: Don’t get mad. Get even! Recycle the asshole at BoyfriendRecycling.com!

Q: I like this recycling idea! What can I do to help?

A: You can place ads on your website (and get to recycle a girlfriend for free in the process)! See this link.

Q: Why isn’t my girlfriend automatically notified when my brand spanking new diploma is issued?

A: We believe that if you had the guts to recycle her, you should also have the balls to tell her about it yourself. For the greatest effect, we suggest you do it in person (from a safe distance, of course).

Q: Are there any subliminal messages on this website?

A: You bet! Be the first to find one and you’ll get a gift certificate!

Q: The links to my diplomas are public! Any guy with the same name could simply claim my diplomas as his!

A: You’re taking this far too seriously.